An Afternoon with Dick
by bob-the-blue
Summary: Complete. Oneshot. Someone challenged me to write this. Its an interesting afteroon with Dick. Warning: adult themes and situations.


**A/N: Someone asked me to write something like this….let's see how I do. Just a warning, this is a bit messed up. **

Richard Grayson wondered down from his room at Wayne Manor. He had been out till really late the night before. The Joker had been up to all kinds of wrong with Harley.

Dick had some interesting dreams after seeing what those two did with whipped cream. Though, doing those things in public was just a bit illegal. The Joker thought it was funny to traumatize teenagers like that.

Dick walked into the kitchen to find Alfred pulling a pizza out of the oven. It smelled delicious.

"What kind of pizza did you make today Alfred?"

"Good afternoon Master Dick. I made a mushroom pizza. I found this baggie of mushrooms, so I thought I'd put them on a pizza."

"Sounds good." Dick said, loading three pieces on a plate and taking them to the T.V room.

Dick may have been the student of the world's greatest detective, but he wasn't the brightest bulb himself. If had been, he would have realized those weren't any regular mushroom. Hell, they weren't even 'special shrooms.' But something Poison Ivy had come up with.

He might not have eaten them if he had known that. But he didn't, so he ate his pizza in ignorant bliss while watching South Park.

Dick got up from the couch after thinking he had just taken a long nap. He heard a noise come form upstairs. He decided to investigate.

When Dick go to the top of the stairs, he hears loud moaning and a slapping sound. He walked over to the nearest bedroom and peered in. What he found, he was not expecting to find.

Barbara laid naked spread eagle on the bed. Her skirt and shirt were discarded on the floor. Tim was on top of her, wearing only his mask. They were making with the mad monkey love.

"OH yes Tim! That's my little Robin." Barbara screamed out.

"Who's your daddy?" Tim yelled.

"Ok, that is just fucked up." Dick said to himself as he slowly backed away from the bedroom. "I thin Bruce needs to know about that."

Dick made his way down to the batcave. He expected to find Bruce hard at work on the computer, trying to solve the latest mystery.

What he wasn't expecting to find was Bruce leaping around the Batcave in a leopard skin loincloth and a woman's wig. Bruce wasn't able to pull off long blonde hair. He really wasn't.

"Um….Bruce? What's going on?"

"I'm not Bruce. I'm Jane, queen of the jungle. And you're my man servant, Pool Boy. Now come over here and oil me up."

Dick ran screaming out of the cave. Something was seriously wrong here. He needed to find Alfred. He'd be able to help him.

Dick rushed into the kitchen. Hoping to find the elderly Brit, doing something butlerly. Again, he found something unexpected.

Alfred was sitting around the table with a couple of other gentlement. They were all dressed in what could be considered 'gangsta gear'. They all looked like something out of a Snoop Dog video. Except that they were all old white guys.

"Yo homey, you need something?" asked Alfred. All his friends pulled handguns and pointed them at Dick.

"Um….I'm fine." Dick backed out. Things were officially fucked up. Dick was about to leave and find another source of help, but then the phone rang.

"Dick." Said a recognizable voice. It was Roy Harper. "I'm on my way over. Its your turn to host the sleep over. I'm bringing the marshmallows and chocolate. You had better have the graham crackers and hair braids ready."

Now Dick was scarred. He ran off screaming. He ducked into the closet.

"I'll just hide here for the time being."

Dick remained in darkness until he felt someone shaking him. He opened his eyes and saw that he was still on the couch in the T.V room.

"What's going on?" he asked no one in particular.

"You were twitching oddly." Said Bruce. Dick looked up and saw his one time mentor. "So I woke you up."

"I was dreaming?" Bruce nodded. "Then that was the most messed up dream I have ever had. No more mushroom pizza for me."

"Mushroom?"

"Alfred said he found a bag of mushrooms earlier, and he put them on a pizza." Bruce paled slightly.

"Those were special mushrooms created by Poison Ivy."

"Oh, shit."

"Yup. The long term side affect isn't good. And we can't cure it either."

"What's the long term side affect?"

"Dick, you're now sterile. And going to lose all the hair on your head."

Dick passed out again.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

**A/N: Yeah, just a bit messed up. But someone asked to see a Babs/Tim pairing. And I have an odd sense of humor. Oh well. **


End file.
